The Bucket List

I have been disappearing for 2 months now.

Finally, I choose to come out of the cocoon. 

I have been a victim of cyber bullying, and I am not proud of it. 

Three occasions within a week, of which, one was not related to the others.

I went into severe depression and contemplated suicides on many occasions during this absence. 

I was once a joie de vivre girl. 

Nothing could stop me.

I had hyperthyroid, it caused memory loss. I told myself, never mind. I can tackle this. I bought self - help book related to memory and tackle this problem.

Then I had severe cramps, I told myself, "It is alright. I just had to travel via wheelchair."

But.

I called defeat towards cyber bullying. You got me. You win. I lose.

 I thought, detaching myself from the internet could heal a lot of trauma that I had been through.

I was wrong, it did not. It continued to haunt me.

I was slowly picking up on my jewelry business when this attack dawned on me.

I abruptly closed down facebook account.

I close down this food blog, which I was and am, very passionate about.

Nothing felt important. I even lost the will to live.

With hyperthyroid in tow, it does not help at all.

I sought legal help, trying to protect my interest.

For my conscience is clear, I did not do anything wrong.

I felt very tired explaining to people who first condemned me and then came asking what happened.

I started my 'Death Note' with emails as proof that I did not stir up things as others thought so.

I even got myself a new pair of specs, shoes and a black dress, preparing for afterlife.

Then came one day two weeks ago, after I came back from Sibu and I thought, saying my final goodbye to my family.

I planned my suicide and was going to inflict a self car crash. 

Then out of the blue, I thought of my close friends, my adorable nephew, I just broke down. 

I couldn't do it.

Instead of the car crash, I drove down to a psychiatric clinic.

After numerous counseling and close friends showing their support and love, plus anti-depressants, I am now a better person.

Now my bucket list.

The first and most foremost. 

Is to live life.

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' The danger lies in refusing to face the fear, in not daring to come to grips with it. If you fail anywhere along the line, it will take away your confidence. You must make yourself succeed everytime. You must do things you think you cannot do." Eleanor Roosevelt.